


When I look and I find, I still love you

by lyllytas



Series: Retirement [3]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Fatherhood, Lower Tadfield (Good Omens), M/M, Recovery, Slice of Life, bound powers, domestic life, mentions of child abuse, mentions of prior abuse, mentions of prior sexual abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-09 05:50:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20848541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyllytas/pseuds/lyllytas
Summary: Little ficlets from their retired life in Tadfield





	When I look and I find, I still love you

**Author's Note:**

> I'm supposed to be writing the next chapter of Take Care of Those You Call Your own, and I've got 2,000 words of it, hopefully I'll finish it today, but this is what I wrote instead.
> 
> light mentions of sexual abuse and child abuse, however the focus is on the recovery of abuse

When Suzy was almost eleven, they had to sit down and have the first of many talks with her. It was the first year for them here in Tadfield. Suzy had been withdrawn and found trusting difficult, and lately she'd begun to act out.

“Suzy, do you know what manners are?” Aziraphale began awkwardly evening.

Crowley shot him a look that said 'we talked about this and that is _Not _what you're supposed to start with.'

“Manners, they're being polite even when you don't feel it." Aziraphale cleared his throat. "Now some people find it easier to be kind than others. Take Da for example. He's nice in his own way. Me, I have a harder time around people, I have to remind myself to be decent and polite, because I'd rather be left alone.”

“Is this cause I've been misbehaving?” Suzy put down her book and looked at him  


“Er, yeah, we did want to talk about that.” Crowley sighed. “I know you're hurting, and that makes you want to lash out and act up.”'

“I just get,” she twisted her hands, “so _very_ angry sometimes.”

“I know anger. I was a demon, remember.” He reached out to grab one of her hands. “What Fa is _trying_ to say is that anger shouldn't be your first reaction. You're better than that, better than those who hurt you." He looked at her. "We're not going to judge you if you get upset. Come home and scream into your pillow all you want. But don't hurt others because you are in pain.” He squeezed her hand before he let go.  


“I know anger too,” Aziraphale said, stepping closer to her. “I live every day with the constant reminder that Heaven and hell were _cruel._ They hurt Crowley and I. They took away a part of our souls and were prideful about it. I lived through seeing those who were always supposed to love me hurting me and casting me out.” He sighed. “But in the end, I got to live here, with Crowley, and Little Bell, and You.”

“Fa and I had to learn to deal with the pain and anger, because we didn't want it to spill out and hurt others. People were depending on us. You and Belly – we had to make sure you were safe. We found hobbies and things that would be an outlet to pour our feelings into. I have my garden out in the yard, I bake and do pta. Fa does his magic tricks and volunteers at the library.”

Suzy frowned, tears gathering in her eyes.

“What happened to you and Bell _wasn't_ fair. I'm very sorry you two went through that." Aziraphale said softly. "Bell was so young and they left different very different scars on her.” He folded his hands. “You're the only one who remembers everything that happened. I'm sorry you have to go through that. But you're not alone. Da and I will listen to you any time you need to talk. We love you Suzy.”

“And nothing you do will change that. We're a family. We're always here for you. We're not going to yell at you for misbehaving or breaking things.” Crowley gave her a gentle look. “We just wanted to talk to you, to tell you that we understand why you're behaving like that, but that you don't need to. You can break that cycle of pain and abuse. You can let it end with you.”

She was crying now. “It _wasn't_ fair! None of it was _fair._ I'm hurt, Bell's hurt, the two of you are hurt.” She wiped at her face. “There's a God up there. I know because you're an  _angel_ Fa. _Why_ would she allow us all to hurt so much?”

“I don't know.” Aziraphale petted her hair. “The people I thought were my friends turned around and hurt me. The person who was always supposed to love Crowley cast him out from Heaven and let him burn in the Fall." He sighed. "I don't know Gods reasons, nor can I speak for her. All I can say is that bad things happen and we have to move forward. Deal with it and keep going. Grow into a kinder person with the experiences we have lived.”

“Everything happens for a reason.” She huffed. “I'm so tired of hearing that line. It doesn't. Sometimes life just sucks.”

“I know dear one.” Aziraphale closed his eyes for a long moment. “But just because life is difficult, doesn't mean you have to be too. Choose to be kind, love. When things are at their darkest, and you're scared and angry, always reach for kindness. If the situation is gloomy and feels hopeless, then you have to be the light for yourself and others. Your sister, while she may not remember everything, she needs you to be there for her.”

“Can I have a hug?” Suzy asked him as she sobbed. She didn't like to be touched normally. She was still learning that touch could be a good thing.

“Of course you can have a hug.” Aziraphale opened his arms up and let her cry into his shoulder.

“I'll try.” She said after a while. “Manners and kindness. I can't promise I'll change, but I'll try.”

“Trying is hard, and we'll be proud of you for doing that.” Crowley hovered nearby. “You won't always succeed, but that's okay. We will love you all the same. Doesn't matter how rough and rowdy you get. You just try to be kind and be there for Bell. And remember that you are loved and safe now.”

“You promise?”

“You're safe now, we got you two out that cult and Fa burned that building to the ground.”

She shook her head. “You promise you'll always love me?”

“Of course we will!” Aziraphale pulled back so that he could see her face. “We're family.”

“My aunt was family too.” She protested.

“We're family by choice.” Crowley said firmly. “We decided who we wanted in our lives, and it was each other, you, and Bell.”

“And we love you very much. Always will.” Aziraphale assured her. “We are so grateful to have you in our lives.”

“I'm a demon, and you still chose to trust me, and come live with me, and more than that, you made us a family.”

“Oh Da, I _do_ love you.” She wiped her eyes and threw herself at him.

Crowley wrapped his arms around her, a little shocked and closed his eyes; reveling in the sensation of being loved. 

“Da, you didn't have to help me. You rescued us from that place. That was what I asked you to do. But then you found all of this and took us in. I'm so thankful to both of you, and I keep worrying that at some point you'll decide you've had enough of putting up with us and all our problems.”

“We won't.” He assured her. “You're one of the only humans who has ever told me I'm loved. The other one's in bed in her room now.” He murmured. “We saved you, and the two of you saved us. After everything was ripped away from the two of us, you still chose to come live with us, a washed up demon and an angel with no powers. No broken window or schoolyard scrap is going to make us change our minds about how we feel.”

“Thank you.” She said, barely louder than a whisper. “I will try, I promise.”

“If you ever have any thoughts or worries you're scared about, you can come talk to us. We can figure it out together. As a family.”

**Author's Note:**

> I always want to come back to this universe, as it was one of my earliest works. I'm so grateful to all of you who have read and reviewed~


End file.
